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Love the Person not the Pieces

October 11, 2012

What do you love about your spouse? A great question that you better have an answer to if your wife is around. But really, this is the wrong question to ask. What’s important for a couple is not that you love the way your wife can captivate you with her eyes, how she still laughs at your corny jokes, or that you enjoy spending hours just quietly in each other’s presence. What’s important is that you love and will continue to love the person, not the pieces that make up the person.Black Couple Building Cabinets

Is it good to love all of the individual pieces of your spouse? Of course! And you should regularly remind your spouse of the individual things you do love, but if you are in love with those pieces and not the person, then your relationship will only last as long as those pieces do. Of course, the simple facts of life are that we change. Our hair turns gray and falls out, we get frustrated when communication is difficult, we grow tired of each other’s quirks that don’t ever seem to change, events swing our political or spiritual views, and our bodies get aches, wrinkles, and sags. Do you hold all of the exact same opinions and beliefs that you did 5 years ago? Is your body the same shape it was 5 years ago? The pieces that make up who we are, are subject to change at any moment. If your love is dependent on those pieces it will not last.

If your love is for the person, when those pieces you enjoy fall away, your love will not fall with them. Loving the person means that you see her as irreplaceable. It won’t matter if someone with all her original pieces comes along or if this or that piece of someone else is better than hers. If she knows you love her as a unique, irreplaceable person, she will never need to feel insecure. For better or worse you love her. Being committed to her also means that you will accept any new pieces she may develop.

Loving her as she is doesn’t mean that you stop desiring her to be better. Quite the opposite, you should desire her to be the best person she can be; however, loving her also means that you acknowledge she may never have all the perfect pieces. Desire the best of her and for her but love her even when she doesn’t end up with all the perfect pieces. This is what it means to love a person.


Are there any pieces of your partner that you find difficult to love? How do you deal with these challenging pieces?

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